"Kids do well if they can."
If a child is struggling, it's not because they won't behave — it's because they can't (yet). Challenging behavior is a signal: "I'm stuck. There's something I can't figure out."
Our Core Belief
Children want to do well. They want to follow the rules. They want to be kind. They want to succeed.
When a child breaks a rule or lashes out, it's not because they don't want to behave — it's because something is getting in the way. Maybe they haven't been taught the rules clearly. Maybe they're missing a skill, like self-regulation. Maybe they have too much energy built up inside.
Our job isn't to force rules onto children. It's to work with them to understand what's wrong and help them succeed. The difference sounds small. The results are transformative.
This approach — known as Collaborative & Proactive Solutions — was developed by Dr. Ross Greene at Harvard Medical School and is now used in thousands of schools, hospitals, and treatment centers worldwide.
A Different Way of Thinking
"Kids do well if they want to"
- • Behavior is a choice
- • Child needs motivation (rewards/punishments)
- • If consequences are strong enough, behavior will change
- • Child is being defiant or manipulative
Result: Power struggles, temporary compliance, the problem keeps returning
"Kids do well if they can"
- • Behavior signals a lagging skill
- • Child needs help building skills
- • Understanding the problem leads to lasting solutions
- • Child is communicating "I'm stuck"
Result: Skills built, problems solved, relationship strengthened
Why Consequences Alone Don't Work
Think about it this way: if your child could behave well just by being motivated, they would already be behaving well. No child wants to be in trouble. No child wants to disappoint their parents and teachers.
When a child struggles repeatedly despite consequences, it tells us something important: motivation isn't the problem. The child is lacking a skill — maybe emotional regulation, flexibility when plans change, or the ability to express frustration with words instead of actions.
A helpful analogy: If a child struggled with reading, we wouldn't punish them for reading poorly. We'd figure out what specific skill they're missing (phonics? comprehension? fluency?) and teach it. Behavior is the same. When a child can't meet an expectation, we need to figure out what's getting in the way and help them build that skill.
How It Works in Practice
When we notice a child struggling with a particular situation — maybe transitions, sharing, or sitting still during story time — we don't wait for the next incident to punish. Instead, we have a calm conversation to understand what's making it hard and solve the problem together.
We start by getting curious, not judgmental. What's making this hard for you?
We explain why this matters — not as a lecture, just as information.
We brainstorm solutions that work for everyone — the child's concern AND our concern.
Why This Works
It builds skills
Through this process, children learn to identify their own feelings, consider others' perspectives, and generate solutions. These are life skills they'll use forever.
Solutions last
When children help create the solution, they're invested in making it work. It's their idea, not something imposed on them.
Relationships strengthen
Children feel heard and understood. Adults become helpers rather than adversaries. Trust grows.
It's proactive
We solve problems during calm moments, not in the heat of crisis. Prevention is always better than reaction.
The Research Behind CPS
Collaborative & Proactive Solutions was developed by Dr. Ross Greene, formerly of Harvard Medical School. His research shows that challenging behavior is best understood as a learning problem — a delay in the development of crucial cognitive skills.
CPS has been implemented successfully in hundreds of schools, psychiatric units, and juvenile facilities. Research shows it reduces challenging behavior, improves relationships, and builds lasting skills.
Learn more: livesinthebalance.org | Books: The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Raising Human Beings