"Kids do well if they can."
If a child is struggling, it's not because they won't behave — it's because they can't (yet). Challenging behavior is a signal: "I'm stuck. There's something I can't figure out."
Our approach is based on Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), developed by Dr. Ross Greene at Harvard Medical School. It's been used successfully in families, schools, and even juvenile detention facilities around the world.
The core insight is simple but powerful: children who struggle with behavior aren't choosing to be difficult. They're lacking skills — skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, or problem-solving. When we help them build these skills, the behavior improves naturally.
A Different Way of Thinking
"Kids do well if they want to"
- • Behavior is a choice
- • Child needs motivation (rewards/punishments)
- • If consequences are strong enough, behavior will change
- • Child is being defiant or manipulative
Result: Power struggles, temporary compliance, the problem keeps returning
"Kids do well if they can"
- • Behavior signals a lagging skill
- • Child needs help building skills
- • Understanding the problem leads to lasting solutions
- • Child is communicating "I'm stuck"
Result: Skills built, problems solved, relationship strengthened
Why Consequences Alone Don't Work
Think about it this way: if your child could behave well just by being motivated, they would already be behaving well. No child wants to be in trouble. No child wants to disappoint their parents and teachers.
When a child struggles repeatedly despite consequences, it tells us something important: motivation isn't the problem. The child is lacking a skill — maybe emotional regulation, flexibility when plans change, or the ability to express frustration with words instead of actions.
A helpful analogy: If a child struggled with reading, we wouldn't punish them for reading poorly. We'd figure out what specific skill they're missing (phonics? comprehension? fluency?) and teach it. Behavior is the same. When a child can't meet an expectation, we need to figure out what's getting in the way and help them build that skill.
How It Works in Practice
When we notice a child struggling with a particular situation — maybe transitions, sharing, or sitting still during story time — we don't wait for the next incident to punish. Instead, we have a calm conversation to understand what's making it hard and solve the problem together.
We start by getting curious, not judgmental. What's making this hard for you?
We keep asking until we really understand. Often children reveal things we never would have guessed — maybe the chair hurts, or they can't see, or they're worried about something that happened earlier.
We explain why this matters — not as a lecture, just as information.
Just one simple sentence. Not "because I said so" — a genuine reason the child can understand.
We brainstorm solutions that work for everyone — the child's concern AND our concern.
Children often come up with creative solutions adults never considered. Maybe they need a fidget toy, or a spot near the door, or a special cushion. We test each idea: does it solve both problems?
Why This Works
It builds skills
Through this process, children learn to identify their own feelings, consider others' perspectives, and generate solutions. These are life skills they'll use forever.
Solutions last
When children help create the solution, they're invested in making it work. It's their idea, not something imposed on them.
Relationships strengthen
Children feel heard and understood. Adults become helpers rather than adversaries. Trust grows.
It's proactive
We solve problems during calm moments, not in the heat of crisis. Prevention is always better than reaction.
Common Questions
"Isn't this too soft? Don't kids need consequences?"
This isn't permissive parenting. Adult concerns are always part of the conversation, and solutions must work for everyone. The difference is we're solving problems collaboratively rather than imposing solutions that often don't work.
"What if my child can't think of solutions?"
That's okay! We can suggest ideas: "What if we tried...? Would that work for you?" The key is that both parties agree. Over time, children get better at generating their own solutions.
"What if the solution doesn't work?"
We try again! "That solution isn't working well. Let's think of something else." It's an iterative process. Failed solutions give us more information about the real problem.
"Doesn't this take too much time?"
It takes time upfront, but saves enormous time later. Solving a problem durably takes less time than repeatedly dealing with the same behavior over and over.
The Research Behind CPS
Collaborative & Proactive Solutions was developed by Dr. Ross Greene, formerly of Harvard Medical School. His research shows that challenging behavior is best understood as a learning problem — a delay in the development of crucial cognitive skills.
CPS has been implemented successfully in hundreds of schools, psychiatric units, and juvenile facilities. Research shows it reduces challenging behavior, improves relationships, and builds lasting skills.
Learn more: livesinthebalance.org | Books: The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Raising Human Beings
Using This Approach at Home
This approach works beautifully at home too. When your child struggles with something repeatedly — bedtime, homework, chores, siblings — try having a calm conversation:
- Get curious: "I've noticed bedtime has been hard lately. What's going on?"
- Share your concern: "The thing is, you need enough sleep to feel good tomorrow."
- Brainstorm together: "I wonder if there's a way for you to feel ready for bed AND get enough sleep. Any ideas?"
You might be surprised what you learn. And solutions you create together tend to stick.